Chess is boring.  I used to think that video games were the worst kind of games because they don’t allow a person to physically exert himself.  Everyone knows that if you’re not breaking a sweat, you’re not getting enough exercise.  However, with a video game, there are at least two to four fingers furiously working the buttons on the controller.  Sometimes, if you look really close, you can even see a light sheen of sweat on a video game player’s upper lip.

I watched a chess game for a half hour once.  That will be the last time I do that.  Within that half hour, there was one move.  One of the opponents managed to lift one arm and move one piece, one space.  Then they both just sat there looking at the board.   I know their minds are working and, to be fair, they are probably really great strategists.  But I think that strategists probably aren’t very healthy people.  Because of this fact, they must die younger.  The world needs great strategists, even if they are unhealthy, which means that we need to teach more people how to play chess.  I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less.

In a rare moment, I was able to sit down and watch TV the other day.  A commercial came on that just floored me.  It was a commercial that was for a show that would be airing soon.  The show was on a sports channel.  It was a Rock, Paper, Scissors championship!  Only in America!  How does one train for this contest?  These contestants were dressed like heavy-weight champions in their satin shorts and matching robes embroidered with their ring name.  Their beer-bellies hung over the satin shorts, proudly proclaiming their sedentary lifestyle.

Yes, there was a ring.  It looked identical to a boxing ring.  I wondered why they needed to have the elastic rope around the ring.  As far as I know Rock, Paper, Scissors doesn’t usually become so aggressive that it’s possible for someone to be thrown into the ropes.  Exclusive use of your hands is the norm, I believe.

In the commercial, the scene being played out was a guy in white satin shorts, a hairless, shirtless torso and a buzz-cut, using his finger-scissors against a guy in red satin shorts and robe using his finger-rock.  Of course this meant the guy in red stain won, since rock beats scissors.  Then the red-satin guy threw up his hands in victory and hugged the referee.  Then his second… or trainer… or butler… or something, came into the ring with a set of matching red-satin oven mitts and placed them on that precious pair of hands.  Heaven forbid they should be bruised by an over-enthusiastic hug.

The winner was so ecstatic that I can only think that there must’ve been a Harley motorcycle or a trip to a Las Vegas strip joint involved in the winnings.   A simple trip to the grocery store would have been a treat for people who have spent hours and hours indoors, over a card table in their living room, mentally trying to out-think their opponents.  These people have trained their whole lives for the only three words that mattered in their narrow lives:   Rock, Paper, and Scissors.

Laura Snyder

You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and info about her new book.